Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause,
man, they're gone.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a
mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted
to tell someone about the tresure. I said, "Okay, as long as
it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you
know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his
life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But
then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story
is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to
myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I
forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on
the plane. It was a little long, though.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination
should automatically disqualify you.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have
sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped
each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps,
which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our
store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from
browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations
seemed to be getting out of control.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you
could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend
it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet
you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew
what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off
the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really
ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags
and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up
at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you
to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate
times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought
something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But
that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new
layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and
unwieldy from all our skin layers.
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's
two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what
he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he
punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing
or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like
you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form
it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back
having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw
the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded
me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large
shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at
night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
"That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's
climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back
now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick
said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20
minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was
an interesting story.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because
you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything
in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into
one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."
Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to
kill you or something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front
of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build
a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my
shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is
made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under'
in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just
want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle,
and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say
you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner
has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast
off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot
bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good
as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.
I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the
back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as
she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
I think a good mavie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part
of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big
shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.
Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby
shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it
would be too small. But there's a little doll or something,
like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha
cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the
Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They
eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them.
Man, wise up.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed
at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so
much of it for granted.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what
If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun
in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some
smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying
a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else
started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a
soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone
would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for
a free drink.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I
think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog
up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much."
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared
rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to
go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where
they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you
buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would
think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey,
let's put him in the movie."
What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river
to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a
wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE
THINK HE'S GOING?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime
will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will
be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better
treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that
rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more
planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
It is a shame when families are torn apart by something as
simple as wild dogs.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess
is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate
words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a
mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king,
I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to
laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all
skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that
read, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in
some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they
just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in
every culture, is the story of Popeye.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown
who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really
high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength
to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what
kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go,
but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something
was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I
remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some
stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some
things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back
with a whore he picked up in town.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an
ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.
They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with
bark instead of fur.
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow
up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant
I think the monkeys in the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so
they can't hypnotize you.
Sometimes, life seems like a dream, especially when I look down
and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way
you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end
up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love. I'm thinking
of a monorail.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an
invisible world that we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course,
of the World of Invisible Scary Skeletons.
Marta was watching the football Game with me when she said "You
know most of these sports are based on the idea of one group
protecting it's territory from invasion from another group."
"yeah" I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
Any man in the Right situation is capable of Murder.
But not any man, is capable of being a good Camper.
So murder and Camping is not as similar as you might think.
Anybody with an Identity problem had better wise up and get with
The Prince decided he would learn Anger. So
he gathered his subjects together outside his
balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he yelled.
"F*ck you" someone yelled.
"Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
I Think There should be something in Science called" The Reindeer
Effect". I don't know what it would be, but I think it would be
good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a
terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
I just thought of something, What if the cure for cancer was
something really ridiculous and Can't be discovered in hospital
research. Like what if the cure for cancer is: "Put a croissant
on a tractor." or: "Rub your head with grass" or: "Put your nose
hairs in a paper bag." You can make up some yourself, who knows,
they might be the cure for cancer.
Sometimes I wish that I was Jesus, but then I realize that if I
were, I'd be dead.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know
why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me,
let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're
aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then
suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good
thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing
and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in
with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what,
I hate this stupid party.
Written and compiled by Réal Gagnon ©1998-2013
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